Don’t Touch them and other Things that may Crack your Ribs

1. Don’t Touch them

“Leave them, don’t touch them!”
These market guys grip your wrist, grab a chunk of your clothes or hold your waist regardless of your objections in the name of telling you to buy from them. That is why I still can’t stop asking myself if I heard one of them right when he told his fellow market guys not to touch me and my friend.

We had just alighted from a bike in one of the popular markets in Ibadan and the guys, as usual, had spared no time in descending on us with their sung pleas to patronise them. My friend and I were trying to escape being touched but they were in our faces and way.

In a second, one of them cleared the way and shouted that they shouldn’t touch us. A person or two also chorused “don’t touch them, don’t touch them”, so they all kept their hands to themselves. They still followed us, of course, we might change our minds and decide to buy their jeens trauza (jean/denim trouser).

Because the bar is on the floor, this looks like a biggie to me. Maybe these guys are now learning. Maybe Nigeria is about to be a paradise on earth. Whatever it is, thank you, market boy.

2.

Nnam drew my attention to something. A man had just parked his car right on the spot of the parking lot marked 'No Parking'. Humans, awww.

3.

You may not quite agree, but sometimes people’s compliments on our appearance mean something to us. No, forget “I don’t dress for…”. I don’t care what anyone thinks of what I look like and what I wear too. But, would you lie that you don’t wear that pant or blouse often because it attracts many 'wow and it’s so nice' to itself even though your mirror tells you otherwise?

This is why I’ve decided to keep my brown-coloured hair, discarding the thought of trying something new and wild like white or blond. The brown hair is liked by many. I like it, too. But many like it, so it’s staying. Those random 'I love your hair, it’s so beautiful' and other comments do a thing in making me smile.

Anyway, guess who came home with a pack of white hair dye for her hair a few days after I trashed my idea? My mother. Something about executing your ideas immediately your mind receives it because there are many mind-bluetooths connected to the idea-pumping device.

4. The Ones

Good friends are everything. Especially the 'won ni won wa mi, won ni won wa mi' kind of friends. The ones that everyone wants to be their friend even if it’s just for a millisecond because they’re hot cakes and you, another hot cake that has not blown yet, have an unlimited subscription to their time. I’m grateful for having them in my life.

5. Crazy Tings

What do you think happened to Oribi Kontein? He reminds me strongly of Richard Okorogheye.

6.

Speaking of death, I lost a person, M.B, and also lost the chance to go see his bereaved family because of a test I was supposed to write on that morning which was later cancelled. M.B was a supportive person, he never ran out of patience all the times I was annoying, and he always encouraged me. We spoke about a task on Monday and I promised to deliver on Friday. Tuesday, he was gone. One of his close friends broke the news. I stupidly raced to his DM and asked “is it true???”. He hasn’t replied and I have not done the task. Who will I submit it to?

By the way, what do you do with the contact of a dead person? Delete it? Or not? Clear your chats or not so you can always go back to read them?

It’s painful that my eyes still haven’t gotten the memo that crying is therapeutic. Maybe I’ve just gotten used to the news of death that it seems as normal as knocking your big toe against a hard pebble. A pain that fades in no time. Maybe I’m just too sad to cry. Just maybe.

7. Ego

Money makes the world go round, I believe. In fact, everything is money. This is why I would prefer to name my child Chikaego than Nwakaego. God is greater than money, I’m not sure about the latter.

I like money a lot and these days, I think about it as one thinks of a much-missed lover who has embarked on a long journey. For some reasons I don’t know too, a voice in my head recites some Yoruba proverbs like "k’á l’ówó l’ọmọdé k’á kú, ó sàn ju k’á d’àgbà k’á t’òṣì" (it is better to be rich and die young than grow old and live in penury). Isn’t that great? You may think it is extreme, but I don’t think so. In this age, it is rare to not think about how to make your own money especially when you see people making cool raba from skills and talents you also possess.

Sadly, just like I suck at chasing anything or anyone, it’s the same with money. In time, body go tell me? I don’t know. For now, I’m listening to some Igbo songs about money and Seyi Vibes for motivation.

8. Awww

Most of my lecturers think that women who have been hurt so badly by men that they don’t want to have anything to do with any treacherous son of Adam are the ones who become lesbians and that’s somewhat connected to feminism. Awww. Or what can I say?

9. Obi m

Igbo songs are lit. They’ve given me reasons to loosen up a bit and stop saying a singer ‘ate’ just because I love their lyrics and believe it’s fire (or why would I ever listen to and enjoy Mohbad if not for this?). I mean, I’m not a fan of the Igbo language, but I surprise myself by singing the lyrics of the songs that have become obi m.

Is there a nightmare greater than experiencing Nigeria?

10. Dear Allah

Holding a grudge against a person to the extent of not greeting them or deliberately ignoring their greeting is a big sin in Islam. I’ve lived by this from a young age–it is one of the earliest lessons of Islam I learnt from my mother and it has never felt right to bow to this sin until now. I don’t know if I am still angry with this person and sometimes, I totally forget that I’m doing this, but it feels like the right thing to do. Now, I’m worried that my prayers won’t be accepted by Allah and I don’t think I ever want to say a word to this person again. What shall a wronged Muslimah do?

11. Use your head, don’t let them use it for you

People, know who you are, what you want, what you can do, and the best way you can do it. With that, finding money and love will be very easy. Note that money comes before love here. It should be like that, please. You need the peace and freedom that comes with financial stability before ordering for the breakfast and buying paracetamol for the headache that comes with love.

When I was halfway into this discovery thing, it was something that looked like love that appeared first. Brethren, avoid temptation and distraction.

12. Fathers have fears, too

My father recently told me that he once feared very much that I would not be academically brilliant. His reason? In my first term in preschool, I used to sweat so much when doing my take-home assignments that my mum would fan me while he held my hands to write or vice versa. I am actually back to the point of sweating academically, but I’m now covered with feathers, he has no idea what Unibadan is doing to me.

13. Don’t be stupid

Please, refrain from saying we deserve the bad leaders we have in Nigeria. Say ‘I’ as in ‘you’, instead. I deserve good things, although I’m not 100% a good person. Don’t be stupid.